Wednesday, January 30, 2008
0 comments 0 comments 0 comments 0 commentsSome universal truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
8) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
9) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
10) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
11) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
12) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
13) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
14) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
8) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
9) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
10) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
11) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
12) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
13) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
14) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Monday, January 28, 2008
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God hates shrimp
Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
0 commentsReal gangstas wear lion slippers
Allentown police had suspected William Torres of dealing drugs in the city. But an undercover narcotics investigation yielded much more, and resulted in Torres, 21, being charged early Saturday with two counts of homicide.
Police said Torres, whose last known address was 436 Turner St., Allentown, gunned down two men at Fourth and Allen streets last month. According to court documents, Torres admitted killing the men.
Torres was driving on Turner Street Friday afternoon when he was pulled over by police and arrested. He was wearing a hooded sweartshirt with a skull-head pattern on it, pajama bottoms and fuzzy lion-faced slippers at the time. He was still wearing the get-up when he was arraigned after midnight at Lehigh County prison.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
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Friday, January 25, 2008
0 commentsWednesday, January 23, 2008
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80th Annual Academy Award nominations
The Oscar nominees have been released!
Here are my picks (just the ones that matter):
Best Picture - No Country for Old Men
Actor - Viggo Mortensen
Actress - Julie Christie
Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem
Supporting Actress - Tilda Swinton
Director - Coen Bros.
Adapted Screenplay - No country for Old Men
Original Screenplay - Michael Clayton; I want to say Juno, but I think they'll get screwed over.
Animated Feature Film -
R.I.P. Heath Ledger
An autopsy was scheduled for Wednesday as family and colleagues mourned the death of Academy Award-nominated actor Heath Ledger.
Ledger was found dead Tuesday of a possible drug overdose in a Lower Manhattan apartment, the New York Police Department said. Ledger was 28.
Ledger was found naked and unresponsive, facedown on the floor at the foot of his bed by a housekeeper trying to wake him for an appointment with a masseuse, said police spokesman Paul Browne.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
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Monday, January 21, 2008
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Animal medication guide
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
What you should be watching tonight
What would happen to planet earth if the human race were to suddenly disappear forever? Would ecosystems thrive? What remnants of our industrialized world would survive? What would crumble fastest? From the ruins of ancient civilizations to present day cities devastated by natural disasters, history gives us clues to these questions and many more in the visually stunning and thought-provoking new special LIFE AFTER PEOPLE, premiering Monday, January 21st, 2008 at 9:00 p.m. ET/PT on The History Channel®.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
0 commentsChurch of Scientology claims copyright infringement
The Church of Scientology, and Tom Cruise, the organization's most prominent evangelist, are both notoriously litigious. The sect's founder, science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, wrote in a 1955 magazine article, "The purpose of a lawsuit is to harass and discourage rather than to win." At the peak in the 1990s, according to the St. Petersburg Times, the organization spent $30m in one year on legal action, in part to win tax-exempt status as a religion, but also to parry and tire its many critics. So it's hardly surprising that the Scientologists' lawyers would at least threaten a huge lawsuit against the author of this week's controversial new biography of Tom Cruise, which also exposes many of the sect's most embarrassing secrets. Nor that Gawker Media has received a copyright infringement notice. Below, the request to remove clips posted to Gawker and Defamer as part of our coverage of the Tom Cruise biography; and, after that, Gawker's refusal to comply. (And here's the video the Scientologists want to suppress, of the Hollywood star's wild-eyed claims that Scientologists are "the authorities on the mind and.. the way to happiness".)
Best dad of the year... seriously
The father, 32, turned himself into to authorities on Friday and was released from jail Saturday after posting a $17,500 bond. He faces a charge of aggravated sexual assault.
The stepson was arrested Jan. 2 and charged with suspicion of aggravated sexual assault. Police say the father caught him assaulting his daughter, and a subsequent examination at a hospital revealed the girl had been sodomized.
Sgt. Cheryl Johnson, supervisor of the Fort Worth sex crimes unit, said in a story posted Saturday on the Fort Worth Star-Telegram's Web site that people need to "allow the criminal justice system to work for them."
The stepson was arrested Jan. 2 and charged with suspicion of aggravated sexual assault. Police say the father caught him assaulting his daughter, and a subsequent examination at a hospital revealed the girl had been sodomized.
Sgt. Cheryl Johnson, supervisor of the Fort Worth sex crimes unit, said in a story posted Saturday on the Fort Worth Star-Telegram's Web site that people need to "allow the criminal justice system to work for them."
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
0 comments 0 comments 0 commentsPhiladelphia teenager attacked with box cutters
A girl who police said was slashed at a West Philadelphia bus stop while helping a friend targeted in the attack spoke out Tuesday to NBC 10.
Police said they are sorting out what happened Monday during the incident that allegedly involved a group of high school girls.
Shakia West, 15, was seriously hurt with slash wounds to her face and hands.
Police said they are sorting out what happened Monday during the incident that allegedly involved a group of high school girls.
Shakia West, 15, was seriously hurt with slash wounds to her face and hands.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
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Sunday, January 06, 2008
0 commentsGoogle never lies
Do a google image search for "women drivers". I thought it was a little humorous and besides, google is never wrong.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
0 commentsFriday, January 04, 2008
0 commentsMan jumps onto subway tracks to get his iPhone
We recently got word that Bijan Rezvani, on vacation in New York, dropped his iPhone on the subway tracks and then, in an act some would call suicidal and others illegal, jumped down to save it.
Rezvani's dangerous leap down to the subway tracks was more dangerous than attempting to run across a three-lane highway since he had to deal with the threat of electrocution from the third rail, a bite from subway rodents and the possibility of getting crushed to death by an oncoming train. Oh, and he had a ledge to climb back up.
There's a reason why entering the tracks is illegal. New York's Metropolitan Transit Authority told us that passengers who drop a device should ask an attendant for help, rather than risking death like Rezvani.
Rezvani's dangerous leap down to the subway tracks was more dangerous than attempting to run across a three-lane highway since he had to deal with the threat of electrocution from the third rail, a bite from subway rodents and the possibility of getting crushed to death by an oncoming train. Oh, and he had a ledge to climb back up.
There's a reason why entering the tracks is illegal. New York's Metropolitan Transit Authority told us that passengers who drop a device should ask an attendant for help, rather than risking death like Rezvani.
R.I.P. HD-DVD: Warner Bros goes exclusively Blu-ray
This is a huge development in the Blu-ray versus HD-DVD format war currently raging on because Warner Bros was always considered the big fish to be landed by one side or the other, Now the studio, which had been producing its high-def DVD titles in both formats, will start releasing in Blu-ray exclusively later this year. The decision was made in response to strong consumer preference for the Blu-Ray format, according to WB's announcement.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
0 commentsNew Jersey moves to apologize for slavery
New Jersey moved Thursday toward becoming the first Northern state to apologize for slavery under a measure approved by a legislative committee.
"This bill does nothing more than say New Jersey is sorry for its shameful past," said Assemblyman William Payne, D-Essex, sponsor of the proposal that would express "profound regret" for New Jersey's role in slavery.
The apology -- proposed as a resolution used to express the Legislature's opinion without requiring action by the governor -- is set for a final vote Monday in the Assembly, though the Senate hasn't scheduled action on it.
